Secret Tales: The Life I Left Behind

AUTHOR: Abdias Terveus

Romans 7:19 “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.”

I’ve heard this scripture many times and many times I have either ignored it or downplayed the meaning. I never knew how important the lesson that was hidden in these words were until I had to live it.

I’ve had many ex’s but today my story is about two in particular, masturbation and pornography. Even though I call them my ex’s I still find them hard to talk about. I denied that we were dating and admitting that we were in a long term relationship was unthinkable. They were the secret affairs I tried to keep away from my true love, but like all secrets, they desired to be exposed.

The story of my exes began at a young age. I first caught a glimpse of pornography and her so-called “beauty” when I was 8. As I briefly opened the door, I never imagined that I would have met her there. Her voice was the first thing that I heard, it piqued my curiosity. I have never heard it before. My eyes quickly followed to locate the sound. As I found the TV screen, my eyes glued on to the figure bouncing on it. She enticed me, I wanted to find out more. She began to make me some promises. Promises of what she could do and what I could feel. She seemed so honest, so I believed her. I was going to accept her proposal to sit down, but someone else found out about us. Our time together was cut short by a loud and abrupt “Hey”. I was so startled by his voice, I quickly shut the door, ran back into my room and soon forgot about her tale.

“Out of sight out of mind,” that’s what they’ve always said. I never went back to that day and to me, it was like it never happened. I didn’t speak or think of her but somehow she found me again, this time I was 12. 5 miles away, I met her in my neighbor’s bedroom and we began to talk. We talked, I could listen to her talk for hours and we had fun. It was great, she always had new stories to tell but something started to seem off, fake even; like she was trapped in a screen and in a world I couldn’t reach. At this time in my life, my body was telling me there was something I was missing. I longed for her touch to relieve me but I couldn’t find her. She told me “just pretend I’m here with you “. I asked her “how?” She replied, “I’ll show you how”. That night, she showed me how to find pleasure with her, and It felt good! I was on cloud 9. But just as fast as it came it was gone.

I wanted more! I didn’t realize that I had been drugged. I was so caught up in the feeling of pumping my fist that I didn’t notice she was gone. She abandoned me. I never noticed that she broke her promise. She tricked me into believing what I was feeling was from her and not my hand. I didn’t notice that what she showed me destroyed my rationality. She left me thinking that each stroke would bring her to life, they didn’t. Stroke after stroke brought me closer to her only to let me down in the end. Every day I tried, thinking “today would be the day!”. I started to see the symptoms, something was wrong. My body started to reject me, the pleasure was replaced with sharp pain and the blood soon poured out. I panicked, I knew for sure that something wasn’t right but I ration with myself. I convinced myself that this was beneficial for me. I remember telling myself “no one wants an inexperienced Virgin! This will help you keep the girl happy”.

They say ignorance is bliss, they lied! What was supposed to be bliss slowly killed me on the inside. I learned more about my habit and that it wasn’t too healthy. It was a sin in the eyes of the Lord. I wanted to quit but the feeling of bliss overshadowed my better judgment every time. I wanted to do right but I found myself dying over the toilet, standing at attention ready to flush away the evidence. I hated myself. I hated my weakness, I wanted to quit so bad but I simply couldn’t. I couldn’t love the monster I thought was inside of me. My addiction took more away from me then I thought. My mind degraded to the point where bondage, S&M, rape and orgies were acceptable as long as I got my high. I remember nights I would bargain for my life, others I would bargain for time. Not time to get it right but time to stay in my sin because I didn’t want to quit.

As I kept smiling, inside I screamed for help. The people outside couldn’t see my problems and if they did they just kept quiet. I was struggling to hold onto my sanity. I turned to music for peace. The loud noise made it easier to drown out the feeling I didn’t want to deal with. I looked to my family for help but it seemed like they could only see the demon in me that I was trying to hide. I started to forget that I was human. They ridiculed me because of my music choice blaming it for my reason for dying. They told me to get rid of the only thing holding me together. They called me a demon. They saw my actions but not my pain. I broke! Everything turned numb as if it was a scene from frozen, the air turned cold. The warmth quickly drained from my body simply leaving a cold shell.

Usually, this is where the good part comes and everything gets better and I live happily ever after. My end didn’t come the way I expected. Most people think when you get saved your life miraculously gets better, well sadly that’s not the truth. In my trials, I have discovered that the hardest thing for me was not receiving salvation but working out my salvation. I had to go back and address all the issues that I had buried and ignored for so long. The biggest issue I had was “Who to blame?”A lot of times we find ourselves blaming others and never really taking the time to examine ourselves. I had been hiding my issues for so long that I didn’t realize I was also hiding from God. I wasn’t being completely honest with him or myself. I found it hard to ask him for anything because I would have to admit that I was guilty. I couldn’t deal with my issues all by myself and I needed help.

This also brought on another issue, I was in need of help but I wasn’t willing to accept it. I found myself running away from God’s forgiving power. God’s arms were open wide but I couldn’t embrace him. I was satisfied with only asking him because my pride never allowed him to work. My words were saying “I love you” but my actions said, “I got this”. I had to forgive myself and learn to accept God’s forgiveness and it started by being completely transparent with him. I had issues and I need him to fix it. In less than 3 months God did more than 5 years of me trying to do it on my own. Through my running away and hiding I have discovered God’s True Sovereignty. God still loved me and was always willing to forgive me, even in my mess.
#StillSovereign