Baby Fever

From the moment I said I do I was greeted with recurring questions surrounding my uterus and when it will be home to a developing fetus. I was surprised to be asked this so soon since it was so early on in my marriage. “I’ve only been married a week MOM! Are you serious?” She was absolutely serious, I, as her only child, need to hurry up and give her some grandbabies. I simply laughed it off and told her and everyone else that asked “I simply want to enjoy my husband and our new life together. I was genuinely at peace.”

A little over a year later I started to develop unexplainable and uncontrollable symptoms. The symptoms include but weren’t limited to spontaneous gushing at the sight of tiny humans, random searches of baby names, and the occasional tendency to expel my stomach outwards in front of a mirror. I CONTRACTED BABY FEVER!

In typical Charna fashion, I explored the emotions I was experiencing and asked myself some real questions. ‘Why do I really want to have a baby?’, ‘am I feeling the pressure of society?’, ‘Do I need this to feel a sense of accomplishment?’ I answered myself with a resounding NOPE! NO PRESSURE, IM READY, I WANT MY BABY…I mean “our” baby.

I shared everything with my husband and after a very brief discussion, we both agreed that we would take it slowly and see what happens. You see my husband knows how I can get when I’m in the pursuit of something so he continued to reiterate the phrase “let’s not worry or stress, we’ll see what happens.” I wasn’t worried, I was excited, what is there to be concerned about? Little did I know I was starting a journey beyond what I ever expected.

8 months went by and I started to become concerned. I was stricken by thoughts that something was wrong with me but I was also reminded of what my doctor said… “It can take up to a year” that fact brought on some comfort but didn’t fully rid me of my concerns. 2 more months went by and I began to experience what I believed to be pregnancy symptoms… once again I wasn’t pregnant. It didn’t help that in that same month I was 4 days late. I’ve never been so disappointed to experience menstruation. I tried to encourage myself and tell myself I was OK but I wasn’t OK. I broke down that Wednesday at the end of bible study. My husband found me in the back of the church crying uncontrollably. My heart was so heavy it’s as if I was grieving the loss of a close loved one. This was the first day of my emotional spiral.

Month after month I went through an up and down roller coaster in my mind. I was the epitome of double-minded as it related to conceiving, unstable in all my ways.

‘Will it happen this month?’
‘It’s not going to happen this month’
‘It will happen this month!’
‘It didn’t happen this month…’

A year later, it’s time for my annual appointment with my doctor, I know this topic is going to come up. What will I say? What will she say? At this point, I’ve activated every one of my self-defense mechanisms. I didn’t want to answer to friends, family, and definitely not my doctor. I didn’t want to hear any more tips, tricks, advice, or encouraging words. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Before I could fully break down, before I lost hope, I found peace and comfort through a still small voice. The words of God encouraged me in my faith in Him and reminded me of His sovereignty. I was reminded that God has all control and there is no need to be wavering in my faith. So I stand this day, trusting that God’s timing is perfect timing. I will wait for His blessing that will enrich and bring no sorrow. I will embrace this journey even though I don’t understand why I am on this journey.

It took a long time for me to talk about this topic and the fact that I can now discuss it so freely is a sign to me that healing and contentment are taking place. If you are on the same journey or are at the edge of losing hope I want you to understand that you are not alone and though a lot aren’t talking about it, many are experiencing it. I understand that simply telling you not to worry about it won’t make you stop worrying. I’m sure you have heard it all because I know I did. My prayer for you is that you reach a place of peace and joy in your current season of life. You are not broken, there is not something wrong with you, you are not less of a woman, you are WOMAN. Resilient, powerful, and loving.
Be blessed

#stillsovereign
Supporting Scriptures
Proverbs 10:22
Hebrews 10:23
Psalms 27:14
James 1:6-8