My Big Fat Positive! (Pregnancy Loss Story)

I’ve gone weeks, maybe even months desiring to post a new blog. Disappointed with myself because I, once again, have become inconsistent with posting content. Nonetheless, taking my time to provide meaningful work, and getting to the right space mentally, spiritually, and emotionally reigned supreme over sticking to a calendar.

My biggest road block was, believe it or not, having too many topics to write about. My mind was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that it became more important to maintain my sanity over trying to create anything. My mind was in survival mode to say the least.

After speaking to some friends and family, I’ve decided to just sit, type, and hope for the best. This post is parallel with how my mind has been in the past few months… a little confusing. I’ve literally typed 3 paragraphs so far and I haven’t spoke about a darn thing! BUT I’M TYPING, WORDS ARE ACTUALLY FLOWING! which is much more than I can say the last few times I’ve attempted this.

I guess I’ll start where I left off last. Before being in a global pandemic, I shared with you all a vulnerable piece of me in a post titled Baby Fever (go check it out if you haven’t read it already). What I didn’t know while sharing my story is that I had already conceived! There was already a little zygote inside of me developing into an embryo. 2 weeks after sharing with the “world” that I was trying to conceive (TTC) I finally saw that BIG FAT POSITIVE!

My excitement was also riddled with fear, my mind consumed with ‘what ifs,’ but I quickly pushed those thoughts away and started to plan out how I would tell my husband and family. I didn’t get the chance to tell many people before things started to get a little weird. This was the beginning of the largest emotional roller coaster I’ve ever ridden. I hope you’re ready for this ride.

A few days after the positive pregnancy test I noticed some light spotting. At first I thought nothing of it because I’ve heard many stories of women that had some bleeding in early pregnancy but when I noticed the volume was increasing I became alarmed. I made my husband take me to the emergency room and I checked myself in (keep in mind throughout this story that this is the very beginning of quarantine/shutdown). My husband wasn’t allowed in and it took everything in me to not break down into tears as the nurses and doctors questioned me and ran tests during my stay.

At the end of it all, I didn’t leave with any answers. I heard two things loudly “your HCG levels are on the lower end” and “there is no sign of a gestational sac in your uterus.” With these 2 facts, and what I later learned to be a very poor explanation, I concluded with myself that I have miscarried or is in the process of miscarrying. I sat in the car silent on the way home. I was confused and angry. I was left with nothing but a “follow up with your ob/GYN in 2 days.”

Upon arriving home I remember going straight into the bedroom, throwing my body on the bed, and bursting into tears. I was so angry at God. During this time I said things in my heart to God that I never thought I would come from me. I remember my rant ending in “What kind of God will allow this to happen…”

But oh how quickly I was reminded of His glory and power. Nothing I was feeling in that moment and nothing that was happening in my life negates Him as God. He is still loving, still worthy, still sovereign! My tears of anger turned into tears of repentance. At that moment I realized how easily my faith was shaken and how quickly I was willing to give up on God. My faith was conditional, I talked about it more in my last post, 4 things I learned in Isolation.

I was still saddened by the situation but I felt empowered. I started calling around for an OB that was still taking patients. I scheduled an appointment for a follow-up and met probably the most compassionate doctor I’ve ever met, bedside manners were impeccable. He listened carefully and explained everything to me properly… unlike the people in the ER. After going over the plan of care with me I was at his office every 2 days for blood work to keep track of my HCG levels. There is so much more to this part of the story and I may have to go live to explain but long story short I was going to him for about 4 weeks monitoring the pregnancy.

I initially had all of the signs of a miscarriage but I didn’t miscarry. My numbers continued to grow robustly, I had no bleeding and no pain. Things were looking up, my numbers were finally high enough and my doctor was sure that I was finally far along enough to see something on the ultrasound.

but there was nothing on the ultrasound… To be Continued

#stillsovereign

Supporting Scriptures
Romans 8:35
Romans 8:26